2012 Jan

Maybe I should try a monthly post now! Just like a monthly dumping of thoughts, feelings and random stuff into here.

Or maybe not :P

it's nearing ORD. I want to find a job now but it'll be too early. I want to get ahead of the pack, ensure my path is planned and set out without relying much on others.

Reliance! That's something I hate! I believe if i have to rely on anyone other than family (and even then i still hate the feeling), it means i haven't planned enough yet. Which means its a failure on my own part which i need to learn and recover.

I intend to get a job in a voluntary organization, or maybe MCYS, although the travelling will be insane. Still, i must do what i can to expose myself as harshly as possible to understand the toughness of life, before i can even proceed down this path of counselling and psychology. I have to feel the pain, go through it, in order to help people with true compassion and feeling.

It's like being a doctor in a sense. Do I treat the patient? Or do I care for the patient? Two different words, two vast differences. I intend to care for patients. Not "treat" them.

I know i am strong enough mentally and physically for this. I know i can. But the army has made me too pampered and sheltered. And i need to get out of it ASAP.

One thing I've noted. Why was my heart rejecting my uncle's advice? At that point of time, i felt embarassed; ashamed that i had chosen counselling as my choice of study. Why didn't i have the faith to stand up and fully explain why i made such a decision? I can only proceed into the future to look back into my past to understand i guess.

For now, I'll stick to a degree in psychology, or sociology/psychology. Then get a diploma in counselling. I believe I'm the right person to go this way, irregardless of my mother's doubt that "your temperament just isn't suited for this kind of job".


We'll see :P

Everything that I've complained about, every course, every excruciating drop of blood and sweat that I've lost...

PTP,
BMT,
Guards Conversion,
Basic Driving,
LS Conversion,
Weapon Courses,
Advanced Driving,

It's all culminating into one, final hurdle, one final "boss". Endgame.

"Suit up boys, lets go" *cue dramatic music*

Nah. This doesn't need to feel dramatic and it's just 3 weeks of my life again sapped by the damned organization that's necessary for deterrence.

Let me summarize what I've been doing in NS.


1) PTP

PTP was horrible, in the sense that it was a culture shock, I was soft and fat, and.. Everything was just alien in there. Sure, NCC slathered me with knowledge about discipline and knowledge of army, but it just wasn't enough. PTP made me lose 5kg at least, and it was one of my most fittest and proudest moment of my life.

I could wear my purple+white-striped polo T with 100% confidence and joy.



2) BMT

BMT was.. hell. Field camp made me an unhygienic dog, and I was consistently tired every single day. Sure, there were the good moments where me, 2 other guys and an officer were eating noodles together at 1am, but I never, ever want to go through it again.



3) Guards

Guards was more of a mental thing than a physical one. Sure, carry heavy stuff, walk around, run, face the ground. Maybe I was just used to it by then. The highlight of the beginning in my third chapter of army was rappelling from a helicopter. I will never forget the view and apprehension, followed by pure exhilaration as I leaped out of the chopper.

What came next was more mental torture - driving course. Yes, the instructors were fuckers, but they taught me well, I begrudgingly admit.



4) LS conversion

I can't go into detail lest commandos leap into my window and take me down for releasing information. Suffice to say this course contained the hardest week in my entire life. Driving at 5am all the way till next day 2am, with 2 hours of sleep in between? I don't want to do it again, but I have to.



5) Weap courses

This was sheer delight. So much nights out.



6)Advanced Driving

Yes, I learned how to do high speed turns, reverse at full speed then spin on the spot with a vehicle, but it just wasn't worth the time I spent suffering while others spent the time in bunk sleeping and growing fatter. It was very interesting though I must admit, and it made me more confident of my driving.



7) Final exercise, Aussieland.

My schedule for 3 weeks in Aussieland, is as such.

Week 1) Orientation
Week 2) 50% torture
Week 3) 1-4 hours of sleep per day at most with constant driving in mountains, hellish terrain, and freezing weather.


Lord, let it pass quickly, that I may come back and better appreciate my life as an adult.

Balance is what I need.

These complaints are what I need to remove from my head.

I have been very troubled.

First, was Advanced Driving Course. I sure learnt a lot of things, but at the expense of me becoming an unthinking demon who yelled at anyone who stood in my way.

Next, lack of sleep due to volunteering.

I have been lacking sleep for a long time. Lack of sleep causes me to have a permanent bad/insane mood. Truth be told, I only have myself to blame.

My lack of sleep problems began because of my stupidity in agreeing to be volunteered to support my commanders in Tekong.

Due to that, I had irregular sleep, and then it culminated in no sleep as my commanders marched in the east coast park for their finale.

Immediately after that I had guard duty, but it's over now so I need to let it go slowly.

Let it go let it go let it go... And now I need to go to sleep!