I'm so tired, so very tired, I wish to take time off, but the project and group will collapse without me.

I have never worked this hard in my whole life before, sleeping 6 hours per day, giving up games too, just for what?

In the end, I will be humiliated, spitted at, shot questions that will make me tremble.

There is no... Reward at the end, just a bleak ending, then a slight chance at freedom.

Even so, after this project, I might be assigned out to another company again, which would spell the end of my plans and freedom.


Interesting point to note: The Project Manager won't get involved in programming, unless it's a really tiny project group. My role is a Project Manager and Programmer.

Spinning thoughts sigh, so tired, so very tired.

My engine is running, I can't stop, I cannot stop, I have no time to stop or time to play.

Well, I STILL have time to play :D

Heh nothing much to blog about. I just am posting this up as a reminder to myself when I read my old posts, THAT MY ENGINE MUST NOT STOP RUNNING.



Status report:

Hard Disk, RAM and CPU can be tracked now, but CPU's tracking still hasn't been implemented.

I feel like I'm suffering from Writer's Block. Each time I look at my codes, my whole head goes blank.

Each time I attempt to type new things, they all don't make sense, and my whole train of thought is derailed and my mind crashes.

So to overcome this problem, I am taking advice from some guides online, by noting down what I'm supposed to do to refresh my memory and to keep track of my ideas and progress.


I am attempting to create a Network Monitoring System.

It will track the performance of hardware in a network. It will track the CPU Usage, Hard Disk Usage and RAM Usage of each Windows/Linux PC/Server, as well as Cisco Routers/Switches.

RAM Usage has been solved. I am fully able to track Windows 7 and XP's RAM Usage. It is still untested on Windows Vista.

Hard Disk has been partially fixed. I am able to get a list of drives (C:, D:, A:) from Windows XP, but for some reason, it doesn't work on Windows 7.
Also, I need to be able to compile a list of the drives, then query each of them for their space left.

CPU is a large problem, one which will take a few days at least to work out. Apparantly, the CPU's position can be changed anytime, meaning that the OID can be changed. I feel this is untrue, but I have to see what I can do about it.

My current task is Hard Disk. I have to dynamically track which OIDs belong to which Hard Disk. It is currently messing up.

My next task is dynamically tracking which OIDs belong to which CPU, then track each core's performance per minute.


Just got some advice from me dad. His punchline: "Be creative. Slap, and make them thank you". Sigh.

It's alright, don't be afraid,
You gotta keep dreaming in the bed you made in,
If it tastes like shit well,
It beats sleeping rough on the floor!


It's gonna be week 5, supposed to be interim (something?) but it's supposedly supposed to be pushed back to week 6.

I am inclined to think that things won't go smoothly, and that the interim (something?) will be done this week.

Which means I'm screwededededed.



I don't want to spend my nights staring and doing codes... Can't they have breakthroughs like mine? I mean, why can't THEY have the breakthroughs?

The burden of "leadership" is a tough one indeed.

Why can't they have the brain waves? :(

I'm afraid I've become a workaholic.

Right now, I've "taken the night off", but my heart is still super anxious. I'm still getting the urge to do some work even though I'm absolutely exhausted.

I am brain dead, I am physically drained, but my heart is still anxiously pumping and telling my body "do work, do work". The adrenaline is still pumping through me, and if this keeps up, I'll soon collapse out of lack of energy and rest.

:/


Progress report:

I was able to list out the PC's disk drives (C:, D:, E:), but I've lost the code :(.

I am now able to view any PC's RAM, and tomorrow, I will extend it to Hard Disk, and over the weekend, CPU Usage.

Someone stop the adrenaline please, it's really tiring me out :(

Sigh.


Picture this.

You're loaded down with the stress of your final year project.

There's an interim presentation next week. If you show a shitty program, you're going to be downtrodden. Morale will drop, and the teachers will simply say "hah never do work right!", When in actual fact, you spent so many hours just pouring over books and websites for hints to guide you to succeed.

Your boy/girlfriend is slotted in a group of all females/males (respectively) who sits some distance away from you.

Your mother just came back from a 5 day/ 4 night cruise, and the first thing she does upon seeing you is explode at you because "the altar wasn't lighted" (I'm a Catholic, I don't need candles and sticks to burn for God.)



I mean, why yell at me just because of candles? Why? Because the statue of what we're supposed to feel in our heart and soul is cold? Because statues are more important than your son?

That's the feeling I always get when she nags/yells at me about the stupid candle. It's just a candle for heaven's sake. If it's not lighted for an hour, does this mean the apocalypse is here? Does this mean we're going to hell for an hour?



My main complaint, and question of contemplation is:

Is it worth yelling at your grown son, one whom has shown care for you, one whom has done his best not to make any mistake, one whom is under so much stress now;

Is it worth yelling at him over a candle?


Progress report:

Hard Disk, RAM and CPU usage can all be tracked now. However, my major problem now is to find out how to specifically find out which "OID" is the right one, because the "OID" is different for every single computer sigh.

Then, I have to find out how to allow a user to track a range of computers at one go.

Sigh.

You've got to understand, I cannot depend on them. I want to rush hard these few weeks so that I can have a smoother time over the final weeks.

I don't want to be burnt out and worried about your work and mine, but I have no choice. Better that I build up a rock solid project, and hand over the minor details to them when I'm burnt out, than to slack now, and be burnt out later on.

I am sacrificing everything I've got on me to make this work, because I cannot rely on them. No more games, less sleep, less communication with everyone.

I need to make this work out. It's the fear of failing. We all are worried. I am just more worried than everyone else. Because I know deep inside, I am the pillar. If I fail, we're screwed, and I cannot take the failure.



I don't want to fail or extend. I want to pick up my life, my grades, and create an application that will "WOW" everyone. It will be unexpected and glorifying. It sounds dramatic, but I want this to happen.

I want people to look up to me, no longer as "the guy who jokes all the time about shit and dirty stuff", but as "woah this guy is damned good! An amazing application came from him?! Unexpected! (oh and he jokes about shit and dirty stuff too!)"


Progress report:

I am able to get anyone's hard disk and RAM usage now. The remaining problem is...

1) Sometimes, computers have E: instead of D:. Some computers even have A:. Major problem.
2) CPU Usage is very unstable. Medium Problem.

Sigh...

Crazycrazycrazycrazycrazyinsaneinsaneinsaneinsane toomuchworkonme :(


That's the problem with me. I always keep the work to myself because I get this feeling that if I hand the work to someone else, I'll get less than satisfactory results, and end up doing everything on my own instead.

Might as well load the work up on me and get something nice and flashy, instead of going through the frustration of "this just isn't good enough" amirite?

The backlash is that I get loaded down with stress, frustration and when my "thought engine" starts running, I just want to run to a computer and start carrying out my ideas. This has adverse effects on my relationships around. ._.



Self Progress report:

User Interface is up, functioning and looks good. It can be better.

I am fully able to locate local hardware information and performance numbers, but I am still unable to get actual RAM, Hard Disk Space and CPU Usage.

._.

Chapter 1:

Issues and Tissues.

Lawl

There is a storm brewing in the depths of a pit.

Dark and looming it is, but I can never place my finger upon it's origin.

I cannot stop it.

It is as.. invisible to me.

It is in front of me, but I cannot see it. Not because I'm blind, but I am unfocused.

I cannot stop it.



Or maybe I'm just hungry, and frustrated over the lack of knowledge/progress of my Final Year Project.

I am sorely eager to spend my whole time doing walls of codes and testing now, but I just am too lazy; I still feel that I have lots of time when in actual fact, I simply don't!

I have 1 week and 1 day now till I have to present a prototype, and I will update this blog over the next few days of my progress to remind myself of what I've managed to do.



The stress and pressure I'm putting on myself is taking it's toll on me, but I cannot remove it until my work is done.