February 11/2/2012, 1.42am...
I can't sleep! And I can only blame the Caramel Frappucino that I bought earlier! No it's not my fault it's the coffee blame it all on the coffee.
This is IU's song, Last Fantasy. Her whole album revolves around the fact that she's a young person about to enter her adulthood, and that this is her "last fantasy" before she enters the real world.
The song starts off with the sound of hope and a tinge of uncertainty, before waxing into it's fully fledged lyrics. It finally evolves into a trumpet fanfare and a glorious ending. This song evokes the feeling of hope, fears and uncertainty in me. Am I doing what's right? Am I going on a path of self destruction? Does the future look brilliant from a distance, but desolate and dystopian up close?
Right now, I feel like I have several roads in front of me. I have 4km (months) left to walk and decide which road I have to take.
My mother has her worries that my bad temper will stop me from being a good counsellor/psychologist next time. She might as well worry that my bad temper prevents me from doing anything good at all. But it does make me reflect again. I've been abusing my self perceived role as a "leader amongst the other drivers" and scolding people whenever I feel like it. I detested a fellow campmate for doing this, and in turn, I am sinking down to his level. This cannot continue. I must change.
Well I'm meeting my uncle to discuss with him my planning for my degree this Sunday.
I hate depending on people for advice or rather, I hate depending on people. But my mother insists on it, so I'll play along. It might turn out for the better after all; perhaps it'll light up the right path I should take.
2.03am...
29/2/2012, 12am.
Leap year! Once in every 4 years! And so this post shall be.
And again, I shall begin the post with a music video that describes what I want to post about.
This touching rings of a dream, but with it, comes bravery, hope, light in the darkness, belief that there will be a better day.
I was indecisive (yet again) about my decision to apply to Uni or not. Yes I knew I had to, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to cope with it.
I was reading through the first chapter of my psychology textbook, and yes it was enticing to continue reading, but I was just wholly doubtful that I'd be able to submit a white paper upon 3 weeks of entering the course.
So naturally, I reconsidered my original option. Work first, study next year. True it'd put me back a few months behind my peers, but none of them were studying psychology anyway, so it wasn't a concern. It just meant that I'd be a few months (and probably a whole year too) behind them in terms of money and work experience.
Problems, as they usually do, were solved by themselves without my intervention, and so it was solved. In March.
Thursday, 26 January 2012
2012 Jan
Maybe I should try a monthly post now! Just like a monthly dumping of thoughts, feelings and random stuff into here.
Or maybe not :P
it's nearing ORD. I want to find a job now but it'll be too early. I want to get ahead of the pack, ensure my path is planned and set out without relying much on others.
Reliance! That's something I hate! I believe if i have to rely on anyone other than family (and even then i still hate the feeling), it means i haven't planned enough yet. Which means its a failure on my own part which i need to learn and recover.
I intend to get a job in a voluntary organization, or maybe MCYS, although the travelling will be insane. Still, i must do what i can to expose myself as harshly as possible to understand the toughness of life, before i can even proceed down this path of counselling and psychology. I have to feel the pain, go through it, in order to help people with true compassion and feeling.
It's like being a doctor in a sense. Do I treat the patient? Or do I care for the patient? Two different words, two vast differences. I intend to care for patients. Not "treat" them.
I know i am strong enough mentally and physically for this. I know i can. But the army has made me too pampered and sheltered. And i need to get out of it ASAP.
One thing I've noted. Why was my heart rejecting my uncle's advice? At that point of time, i felt embarassed; ashamed that i had chosen counselling as my choice of study. Why didn't i have the faith to stand up and fully explain why i made such a decision? I can only proceed into the future to look back into my past to understand i guess.
For now, I'll stick to a degree in psychology, or sociology/psychology. Then get a diploma in counselling. I believe I'm the right person to go this way, irregardless of my mother's doubt that "your temperament just isn't suited for this kind of job".
We'll see :P
Or maybe not :P
it's nearing ORD. I want to find a job now but it'll be too early. I want to get ahead of the pack, ensure my path is planned and set out without relying much on others.
Reliance! That's something I hate! I believe if i have to rely on anyone other than family (and even then i still hate the feeling), it means i haven't planned enough yet. Which means its a failure on my own part which i need to learn and recover.
I intend to get a job in a voluntary organization, or maybe MCYS, although the travelling will be insane. Still, i must do what i can to expose myself as harshly as possible to understand the toughness of life, before i can even proceed down this path of counselling and psychology. I have to feel the pain, go through it, in order to help people with true compassion and feeling.
It's like being a doctor in a sense. Do I treat the patient? Or do I care for the patient? Two different words, two vast differences. I intend to care for patients. Not "treat" them.
I know i am strong enough mentally and physically for this. I know i can. But the army has made me too pampered and sheltered. And i need to get out of it ASAP.
One thing I've noted. Why was my heart rejecting my uncle's advice? At that point of time, i felt embarassed; ashamed that i had chosen counselling as my choice of study. Why didn't i have the faith to stand up and fully explain why i made such a decision? I can only proceed into the future to look back into my past to understand i guess.
For now, I'll stick to a degree in psychology, or sociology/psychology. Then get a diploma in counselling. I believe I'm the right person to go this way, irregardless of my mother's doubt that "your temperament just isn't suited for this kind of job".
We'll see :P
Monday, 26 September 2011
Everything that I've complained about, every course, every excruciating drop of blood and sweat that I've lost...
PTP,
BMT,
Guards Conversion,
Basic Driving,
LS Conversion,
Weapon Courses,
Advanced Driving,
It's all culminating into one, final hurdle, one final "boss". Endgame.
"Suit up boys, lets go" *cue dramatic music*
Nah. This doesn't need to feel dramatic and it's just 3 weeks of my life again sapped by the damned organization that's necessary for deterrence.
Let me summarize what I've been doing in NS.
1) PTP
PTP was horrible, in the sense that it was a culture shock, I was soft and fat, and.. Everything was just alien in there. Sure, NCC slathered me with knowledge about discipline and knowledge of army, but it just wasn't enough. PTP made me lose 5kg at least, and it was one of my most fittest and proudest moment of my life.
I could wear my purple+white-striped polo T with 100% confidence and joy.
2) BMT
BMT was.. hell. Field camp made me an unhygienic dog, and I was consistently tired every single day. Sure, there were the good moments where me, 2 other guys and an officer were eating noodles together at 1am, but I never, ever want to go through it again.
3) Guards
Guards was more of a mental thing than a physical one. Sure, carry heavy stuff, walk around, run, face the ground. Maybe I was just used to it by then. The highlight of the beginning in my third chapter of army was rappelling from a helicopter. I will never forget the view and apprehension, followed by pure exhilaration as I leaped out of the chopper.
What came next was more mental torture - driving course. Yes, the instructors were fuckers, but they taught me well, I begrudgingly admit.
4) LS conversion
I can't go into detail lest commandos leap into my window and take me down for releasing information. Suffice to say this course contained the hardest week in my entire life. Driving at 5am all the way till next day 2am, with 2 hours of sleep in between? I don't want to do it again, but I have to.
5) Weap courses
This was sheer delight. So much nights out.
6)Advanced Driving
Yes, I learned how to do high speed turns, reverse at full speed then spin on the spot with a vehicle, but it just wasn't worth the time I spent suffering while others spent the time in bunk sleeping and growing fatter. It was very interesting though I must admit, and it made me more confident of my driving.
7) Final exercise, Aussieland.
My schedule for 3 weeks in Aussieland, is as such.
Week 1) Orientation
Week 2) 50% torture
Week 3) 1-4 hours of sleep per day at most with constant driving in mountains, hellish terrain, and freezing weather.
Lord, let it pass quickly, that I may come back and better appreciate my life as an adult.
PTP,
BMT,
Guards Conversion,
Basic Driving,
LS Conversion,
Weapon Courses,
Advanced Driving,
It's all culminating into one, final hurdle, one final "boss". Endgame.
"Suit up boys, lets go" *cue dramatic music*
Nah. This doesn't need to feel dramatic and it's just 3 weeks of my life again sapped by the damned organization that's necessary for deterrence.
Let me summarize what I've been doing in NS.
1) PTP
PTP was horrible, in the sense that it was a culture shock, I was soft and fat, and.. Everything was just alien in there. Sure, NCC slathered me with knowledge about discipline and knowledge of army, but it just wasn't enough. PTP made me lose 5kg at least, and it was one of my most fittest and proudest moment of my life.
I could wear my purple+white-striped polo T with 100% confidence and joy.
2) BMT
BMT was.. hell. Field camp made me an unhygienic dog, and I was consistently tired every single day. Sure, there were the good moments where me, 2 other guys and an officer were eating noodles together at 1am, but I never, ever want to go through it again.
3) Guards
Guards was more of a mental thing than a physical one. Sure, carry heavy stuff, walk around, run, face the ground. Maybe I was just used to it by then. The highlight of the beginning in my third chapter of army was rappelling from a helicopter. I will never forget the view and apprehension, followed by pure exhilaration as I leaped out of the chopper.
What came next was more mental torture - driving course. Yes, the instructors were fuckers, but they taught me well, I begrudgingly admit.
4) LS conversion
I can't go into detail lest commandos leap into my window and take me down for releasing information. Suffice to say this course contained the hardest week in my entire life. Driving at 5am all the way till next day 2am, with 2 hours of sleep in between? I don't want to do it again, but I have to.
5) Weap courses
This was sheer delight. So much nights out.
6)Advanced Driving
Yes, I learned how to do high speed turns, reverse at full speed then spin on the spot with a vehicle, but it just wasn't worth the time I spent suffering while others spent the time in bunk sleeping and growing fatter. It was very interesting though I must admit, and it made me more confident of my driving.
7) Final exercise, Aussieland.
My schedule for 3 weeks in Aussieland, is as such.
Week 1) Orientation
Week 2) 50% torture
Week 3) 1-4 hours of sleep per day at most with constant driving in mountains, hellish terrain, and freezing weather.
Lord, let it pass quickly, that I may come back and better appreciate my life as an adult.
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