Its 4.45am, I felt like I was going insane. I need an outlet, I need someone to talk to.
I rejected a job offer. Good pay, good prospects but it was slightly far with early reporting times. That's been my only job offer so far.
No one is replying my job applications, it is already a huge blow to my self confidence. I feel like I can't apply for sales jobs because my face is riddled with pimples. I can't apply for IT jobs because I'm not skilled enough, nor confident enough in my ability.
I want to upgrade my skills through IT courses, but my mother, who is holding the money in the family, says its ridiculous for me to study because i should have done so during my poly days.
My second brother, who sucked up all my family's money (and is still taking more), doesn't give a damn about my family and its monetary straits, and even dares to demand money from my mother so he can buy gifts for his friends.
I cannot ask my father for help, because he's paying for my brother's monetary vacuum. He's so stressed and tired but he can't sleep due to my mother's insanity.
My self confidence is almost at a zero already. What can I do? What should I do? I failed already. I failed to predict this would happen. My preperations went awry.
I know life has Ups and downs. This must be one of the lowest points in my life. My chest scar hurts and is swelling, my face is riddled with pimples and I'm unemployed and not allowed to study.
And the final salt to the wound is, 12 drivers out of 16 have been given their dates to collect their driving license. I am one of the unlucky 4 still kept in the dark. Really, really down and out sigh.
Friday, 11 May 2012
11/5/2012, 12.20am..
The song sort of fits what I'm feeling right now.
Yes, I should have done what was right. I should have struck the problem where it was and made a stand. I could have protected someone from even experiencing this... Sick and twisted joke. It was just a joke gone too far, and I will remember this event for life.
I am deeply affected by this event because:
1) I was a part of it,
2) I did nothing to stop it,
3) I might even have encouraged it,
4) The person affected by it had trust in me.
Damn.
The song sort of fits what I'm feeling right now.
Yes, I should have done what was right. I should have struck the problem where it was and made a stand. I could have protected someone from even experiencing this... Sick and twisted joke. It was just a joke gone too far, and I will remember this event for life.
I am deeply affected by this event because:
1) I was a part of it,
2) I did nothing to stop it,
3) I might even have encouraged it,
4) The person affected by it had trust in me.
Damn.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
In the beginning of March, my parents decided to discus money with me. About time too.
fast forward to now, the end of March. I feel my life is in turmoil. I always prided myself on having plans in every step or minor action in my life. But now? I'm frozen in indecision.
Troy was eventually invaded, even the largest and thickest of walls are either knocked down or circumvented.
People around me are applying for uni, but me? Still writhing in indecision as to what to study. IT? Psychology?
Each time someone asks me what I'm doing after I ORD, I get the feeling of dread first, before replying "um yeah work first then study". It then leads to "oh study what?"
That's where I break into full panic mode and reply "oh um psychology or IT yeah". That's where I get the most hated reply of people telling me to go IT. It's a thinly veiled slap to the face.
Its like saying i have zero people skills and should go face computers since they don't require communication skills.
Argh. I really hate being stuck in this position. I need to get my planning machine back into my head and carefully consider each and every step, every day, every second.
I need to be decisive again...
fast forward to now, the end of March. I feel my life is in turmoil. I always prided myself on having plans in every step or minor action in my life. But now? I'm frozen in indecision.
Troy was eventually invaded, even the largest and thickest of walls are either knocked down or circumvented.
People around me are applying for uni, but me? Still writhing in indecision as to what to study. IT? Psychology?
Each time someone asks me what I'm doing after I ORD, I get the feeling of dread first, before replying "um yeah work first then study". It then leads to "oh study what?"
That's where I break into full panic mode and reply "oh um psychology or IT yeah". That's where I get the most hated reply of people telling me to go IT. It's a thinly veiled slap to the face.
Its like saying i have zero people skills and should go face computers since they don't require communication skills.
Argh. I really hate being stuck in this position. I need to get my planning machine back into my head and carefully consider each and every step, every day, every second.
I need to be decisive again...
Saturday, 11 February 2012
February 11/2/2012, 1.42am...
I can't sleep! And I can only blame the Caramel Frappucino that I bought earlier! No it's not my fault it's the coffee blame it all on the coffee.
This is IU's song, Last Fantasy. Her whole album revolves around the fact that she's a young person about to enter her adulthood, and that this is her "last fantasy" before she enters the real world.
The song starts off with the sound of hope and a tinge of uncertainty, before waxing into it's fully fledged lyrics. It finally evolves into a trumpet fanfare and a glorious ending. This song evokes the feeling of hope, fears and uncertainty in me. Am I doing what's right? Am I going on a path of self destruction? Does the future look brilliant from a distance, but desolate and dystopian up close?
Right now, I feel like I have several roads in front of me. I have 4km (months) left to walk and decide which road I have to take.
My mother has her worries that my bad temper will stop me from being a good counsellor/psychologist next time. She might as well worry that my bad temper prevents me from doing anything good at all. But it does make me reflect again. I've been abusing my self perceived role as a "leader amongst the other drivers" and scolding people whenever I feel like it. I detested a fellow campmate for doing this, and in turn, I am sinking down to his level. This cannot continue. I must change.
Well I'm meeting my uncle to discuss with him my planning for my degree this Sunday.
I hate depending on people for advice or rather, I hate depending on people. But my mother insists on it, so I'll play along. It might turn out for the better after all; perhaps it'll light up the right path I should take.
2.03am...
29/2/2012, 12am.
Leap year! Once in every 4 years! And so this post shall be.
And again, I shall begin the post with a music video that describes what I want to post about.
This touching rings of a dream, but with it, comes bravery, hope, light in the darkness, belief that there will be a better day.
I was indecisive (yet again) about my decision to apply to Uni or not. Yes I knew I had to, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to cope with it.
I was reading through the first chapter of my psychology textbook, and yes it was enticing to continue reading, but I was just wholly doubtful that I'd be able to submit a white paper upon 3 weeks of entering the course.
So naturally, I reconsidered my original option. Work first, study next year. True it'd put me back a few months behind my peers, but none of them were studying psychology anyway, so it wasn't a concern. It just meant that I'd be a few months (and probably a whole year too) behind them in terms of money and work experience.
Problems, as they usually do, were solved by themselves without my intervention, and so it was solved. In March.
I can't sleep! And I can only blame the Caramel Frappucino that I bought earlier! No it's not my fault it's the coffee blame it all on the coffee.
This is IU's song, Last Fantasy. Her whole album revolves around the fact that she's a young person about to enter her adulthood, and that this is her "last fantasy" before she enters the real world.
The song starts off with the sound of hope and a tinge of uncertainty, before waxing into it's fully fledged lyrics. It finally evolves into a trumpet fanfare and a glorious ending. This song evokes the feeling of hope, fears and uncertainty in me. Am I doing what's right? Am I going on a path of self destruction? Does the future look brilliant from a distance, but desolate and dystopian up close?
Right now, I feel like I have several roads in front of me. I have 4km (months) left to walk and decide which road I have to take.
My mother has her worries that my bad temper will stop me from being a good counsellor/psychologist next time. She might as well worry that my bad temper prevents me from doing anything good at all. But it does make me reflect again. I've been abusing my self perceived role as a "leader amongst the other drivers" and scolding people whenever I feel like it. I detested a fellow campmate for doing this, and in turn, I am sinking down to his level. This cannot continue. I must change.
Well I'm meeting my uncle to discuss with him my planning for my degree this Sunday.
I hate depending on people for advice or rather, I hate depending on people. But my mother insists on it, so I'll play along. It might turn out for the better after all; perhaps it'll light up the right path I should take.
2.03am...
29/2/2012, 12am.
Leap year! Once in every 4 years! And so this post shall be.
And again, I shall begin the post with a music video that describes what I want to post about.
This touching rings of a dream, but with it, comes bravery, hope, light in the darkness, belief that there will be a better day.
I was indecisive (yet again) about my decision to apply to Uni or not. Yes I knew I had to, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to cope with it.
I was reading through the first chapter of my psychology textbook, and yes it was enticing to continue reading, but I was just wholly doubtful that I'd be able to submit a white paper upon 3 weeks of entering the course.
So naturally, I reconsidered my original option. Work first, study next year. True it'd put me back a few months behind my peers, but none of them were studying psychology anyway, so it wasn't a concern. It just meant that I'd be a few months (and probably a whole year too) behind them in terms of money and work experience.
Problems, as they usually do, were solved by themselves without my intervention, and so it was solved. In March.
Thursday, 26 January 2012
2012 Jan
Maybe I should try a monthly post now! Just like a monthly dumping of thoughts, feelings and random stuff into here.
Or maybe not :P
it's nearing ORD. I want to find a job now but it'll be too early. I want to get ahead of the pack, ensure my path is planned and set out without relying much on others.
Reliance! That's something I hate! I believe if i have to rely on anyone other than family (and even then i still hate the feeling), it means i haven't planned enough yet. Which means its a failure on my own part which i need to learn and recover.
I intend to get a job in a voluntary organization, or maybe MCYS, although the travelling will be insane. Still, i must do what i can to expose myself as harshly as possible to understand the toughness of life, before i can even proceed down this path of counselling and psychology. I have to feel the pain, go through it, in order to help people with true compassion and feeling.
It's like being a doctor in a sense. Do I treat the patient? Or do I care for the patient? Two different words, two vast differences. I intend to care for patients. Not "treat" them.
I know i am strong enough mentally and physically for this. I know i can. But the army has made me too pampered and sheltered. And i need to get out of it ASAP.
One thing I've noted. Why was my heart rejecting my uncle's advice? At that point of time, i felt embarassed; ashamed that i had chosen counselling as my choice of study. Why didn't i have the faith to stand up and fully explain why i made such a decision? I can only proceed into the future to look back into my past to understand i guess.
For now, I'll stick to a degree in psychology, or sociology/psychology. Then get a diploma in counselling. I believe I'm the right person to go this way, irregardless of my mother's doubt that "your temperament just isn't suited for this kind of job".
We'll see :P
Or maybe not :P
it's nearing ORD. I want to find a job now but it'll be too early. I want to get ahead of the pack, ensure my path is planned and set out without relying much on others.
Reliance! That's something I hate! I believe if i have to rely on anyone other than family (and even then i still hate the feeling), it means i haven't planned enough yet. Which means its a failure on my own part which i need to learn and recover.
I intend to get a job in a voluntary organization, or maybe MCYS, although the travelling will be insane. Still, i must do what i can to expose myself as harshly as possible to understand the toughness of life, before i can even proceed down this path of counselling and psychology. I have to feel the pain, go through it, in order to help people with true compassion and feeling.
It's like being a doctor in a sense. Do I treat the patient? Or do I care for the patient? Two different words, two vast differences. I intend to care for patients. Not "treat" them.
I know i am strong enough mentally and physically for this. I know i can. But the army has made me too pampered and sheltered. And i need to get out of it ASAP.
One thing I've noted. Why was my heart rejecting my uncle's advice? At that point of time, i felt embarassed; ashamed that i had chosen counselling as my choice of study. Why didn't i have the faith to stand up and fully explain why i made such a decision? I can only proceed into the future to look back into my past to understand i guess.
For now, I'll stick to a degree in psychology, or sociology/psychology. Then get a diploma in counselling. I believe I'm the right person to go this way, irregardless of my mother's doubt that "your temperament just isn't suited for this kind of job".
We'll see :P
Monday, 26 September 2011
Everything that I've complained about, every course, every excruciating drop of blood and sweat that I've lost...
PTP,
BMT,
Guards Conversion,
Basic Driving,
LS Conversion,
Weapon Courses,
Advanced Driving,
It's all culminating into one, final hurdle, one final "boss". Endgame.
"Suit up boys, lets go" *cue dramatic music*
Nah. This doesn't need to feel dramatic and it's just 3 weeks of my life again sapped by the damned organization that's necessary for deterrence.
Let me summarize what I've been doing in NS.
1) PTP
PTP was horrible, in the sense that it was a culture shock, I was soft and fat, and.. Everything was just alien in there. Sure, NCC slathered me with knowledge about discipline and knowledge of army, but it just wasn't enough. PTP made me lose 5kg at least, and it was one of my most fittest and proudest moment of my life.
I could wear my purple+white-striped polo T with 100% confidence and joy.
2) BMT
BMT was.. hell. Field camp made me an unhygienic dog, and I was consistently tired every single day. Sure, there were the good moments where me, 2 other guys and an officer were eating noodles together at 1am, but I never, ever want to go through it again.
3) Guards
Guards was more of a mental thing than a physical one. Sure, carry heavy stuff, walk around, run, face the ground. Maybe I was just used to it by then. The highlight of the beginning in my third chapter of army was rappelling from a helicopter. I will never forget the view and apprehension, followed by pure exhilaration as I leaped out of the chopper.
What came next was more mental torture - driving course. Yes, the instructors were fuckers, but they taught me well, I begrudgingly admit.
4) LS conversion
I can't go into detail lest commandos leap into my window and take me down for releasing information. Suffice to say this course contained the hardest week in my entire life. Driving at 5am all the way till next day 2am, with 2 hours of sleep in between? I don't want to do it again, but I have to.
5) Weap courses
This was sheer delight. So much nights out.
6)Advanced Driving
Yes, I learned how to do high speed turns, reverse at full speed then spin on the spot with a vehicle, but it just wasn't worth the time I spent suffering while others spent the time in bunk sleeping and growing fatter. It was very interesting though I must admit, and it made me more confident of my driving.
7) Final exercise, Aussieland.
My schedule for 3 weeks in Aussieland, is as such.
Week 1) Orientation
Week 2) 50% torture
Week 3) 1-4 hours of sleep per day at most with constant driving in mountains, hellish terrain, and freezing weather.
Lord, let it pass quickly, that I may come back and better appreciate my life as an adult.
PTP,
BMT,
Guards Conversion,
Basic Driving,
LS Conversion,
Weapon Courses,
Advanced Driving,
It's all culminating into one, final hurdle, one final "boss". Endgame.
"Suit up boys, lets go" *cue dramatic music*
Nah. This doesn't need to feel dramatic and it's just 3 weeks of my life again sapped by the damned organization that's necessary for deterrence.
Let me summarize what I've been doing in NS.
1) PTP
PTP was horrible, in the sense that it was a culture shock, I was soft and fat, and.. Everything was just alien in there. Sure, NCC slathered me with knowledge about discipline and knowledge of army, but it just wasn't enough. PTP made me lose 5kg at least, and it was one of my most fittest and proudest moment of my life.
I could wear my purple+white-striped polo T with 100% confidence and joy.
2) BMT
BMT was.. hell. Field camp made me an unhygienic dog, and I was consistently tired every single day. Sure, there were the good moments where me, 2 other guys and an officer were eating noodles together at 1am, but I never, ever want to go through it again.
3) Guards
Guards was more of a mental thing than a physical one. Sure, carry heavy stuff, walk around, run, face the ground. Maybe I was just used to it by then. The highlight of the beginning in my third chapter of army was rappelling from a helicopter. I will never forget the view and apprehension, followed by pure exhilaration as I leaped out of the chopper.
What came next was more mental torture - driving course. Yes, the instructors were fuckers, but they taught me well, I begrudgingly admit.
4) LS conversion
I can't go into detail lest commandos leap into my window and take me down for releasing information. Suffice to say this course contained the hardest week in my entire life. Driving at 5am all the way till next day 2am, with 2 hours of sleep in between? I don't want to do it again, but I have to.
5) Weap courses
This was sheer delight. So much nights out.
6)Advanced Driving
Yes, I learned how to do high speed turns, reverse at full speed then spin on the spot with a vehicle, but it just wasn't worth the time I spent suffering while others spent the time in bunk sleeping and growing fatter. It was very interesting though I must admit, and it made me more confident of my driving.
7) Final exercise, Aussieland.
My schedule for 3 weeks in Aussieland, is as such.
Week 1) Orientation
Week 2) 50% torture
Week 3) 1-4 hours of sleep per day at most with constant driving in mountains, hellish terrain, and freezing weather.
Lord, let it pass quickly, that I may come back and better appreciate my life as an adult.
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Balance is what I need.
These complaints are what I need to remove from my head.
I have been very troubled.
First, was Advanced Driving Course. I sure learnt a lot of things, but at the expense of me becoming an unthinking demon who yelled at anyone who stood in my way.
Next, lack of sleep due to volunteering.
I have been lacking sleep for a long time. Lack of sleep causes me to have a permanent bad/insane mood. Truth be told, I only have myself to blame.
My lack of sleep problems began because of my stupidity in agreeing to be volunteered to support my commanders in Tekong.
Due to that, I had irregular sleep, and then it culminated in no sleep as my commanders marched in the east coast park for their finale.
Immediately after that I had guard duty, but it's over now so I need to let it go slowly.
Let it go let it go let it go... And now I need to go to sleep!
These complaints are what I need to remove from my head.
I have been very troubled.
First, was Advanced Driving Course. I sure learnt a lot of things, but at the expense of me becoming an unthinking demon who yelled at anyone who stood in my way.
Next, lack of sleep due to volunteering.
I have been lacking sleep for a long time. Lack of sleep causes me to have a permanent bad/insane mood. Truth be told, I only have myself to blame.
My lack of sleep problems began because of my stupidity in agreeing to be volunteered to support my commanders in Tekong.
Due to that, I had irregular sleep, and then it culminated in no sleep as my commanders marched in the east coast park for their finale.
Immediately after that I had guard duty, but it's over now so I need to let it go slowly.
Let it go let it go let it go... And now I need to go to sleep!
Friday, 29 April 2011
It's been a while, and it's time I released a full bodied post containing my experience and thoughts.
This post will consist of several stories.
Explosives
I've been on a missile course. I learnt various unimportant stuff like how far the missile flies, what angle I should stay away from the back blast and... Stuff like that.
It just wasn't important to me because after all, I'm a driver. All that mattered was I overcame the course (which I did), and stay out of trouble. I succeeded in both, and I rejoiced as I thought that my ordeal for courses was over.
Little did I know that back in HQ, my name was chosen for yet another course, this time a grenade launching course. Fuck.
The Engagement Issue
It was nearing the end of the missile course that this problem came up.
My mother (dear lady that she is) intended for me to be engaged to my girlfriend in the next year.
Now, engagements (just my assumption) mainly involve the couple that is... Getting engaged. This means that the engagement's main stars are the couple themselves, and the calefare (not the best of words to use) are the people around them.
This wasn't so for my case.
My mother discussed with her sister in law; briefly informed my girlfriend; took my girlfriend's brother to a corner and discussed with him about the engagement...
But never told me a single word about this.
Yes, engagements are meant to be a happy event, where boyfriends/girlfriends become fiancées or fiancés (I have no idea what fiancée means anyway, seems like a floral term to me).
Prior to my confrontation/questioning of my parents, I had an exhausting day already, involuntarily carrying 40kg worth of missiles on my back and running 600m, while you discussed my future with other people without talking to me about it.
I finally had to ask you quite nicely: "What's going on?", before I got a vague answer of "Me and Dad were planning to get you and Sally engaged".
Really, which sane person would have leaped and punched the air in joy instead of retorting "What the fuck? You're discussing my future with other people instead of with me?". Well I didn't punch the air in joy, but I did retort back "you're discussing this without telling me anything?". I asked a few more questions that I've forgotten about, and they didn't seem too happy with my reaction.
Well, the backlash of my questioning was...
My mother decided to cancel the idea of the engagement just 3 days after, and again without telling me anything.
Really. This engagement thing was like a Final Year Project.
I had to dig so hard for information to get the whole picture and understand it, just for me to work on it, present it, then get shot down by the teachers (in this case, my mother), and then get the whole project thrown away in a short span of time.
The heartbreaking moment came for me, when I had to apologize to my mother for asking her about what they were thinking about regarding this engagement. I just don't get it. I had to apologize to them because they decided to discuss with everyone except me, AND because I didn't put up a happy show for her.
I apologized, put on a sad puppy face, and took the lecturing with silence. Yes, I put up a show at the end just to please her. It pained me physically to do so but... I did what was necessary to maintain peace and stay out of trouble.
I can only hope that the peace is maintained, and that I don't have to go through this again.
Monetary Issues
The engagement issue woke up a nagging part of me.
"Save money Ben, you really need it for your future"
But the other nagging part that frequently came up was...
"Fuck Ben, you're already putting $50 aside per month, by the end of 1 year added in with your old savings, you'll have $2000 at least in your savings account, just spend the rest of your NS allowance to relax and De-stress"
Indeed, if I scrimp and save as much as I can now, I can throw a bigger, more bad-ass party for my wedding, and still have enough for a house. I need to keep this in mind more often. I need to get my own home fill it up with furniture and love, and still have some savings to maintain it.
I need to save.
Aye.
Maturity
My final issue finally isn't a physical problem, but more of a mental problem. I feel my maturity degenerating into that of a 15 year old's. All I'm focusing on now is fun, enjoying, pushing problems away and well, doing the wrong things.
I should instead, be focusing on getting a head-start in my education so I can start earning money the moment I can escape my bond to the army.
I should be researching more on what I should study next time; on what my future job requires me to know; on which estate would be the best to purchase a house...
Instead, all I'm doing is just living each day as it comes without planning for the future.
This has to stop.
But it's just the only time in my life where I can fully enjoy :(
This post will consist of several stories.
Explosives
I've been on a missile course. I learnt various unimportant stuff like how far the missile flies, what angle I should stay away from the back blast and... Stuff like that.
It just wasn't important to me because after all, I'm a driver. All that mattered was I overcame the course (which I did), and stay out of trouble. I succeeded in both, and I rejoiced as I thought that my ordeal for courses was over.
Little did I know that back in HQ, my name was chosen for yet another course, this time a grenade launching course. Fuck.
The Engagement Issue
It was nearing the end of the missile course that this problem came up.
My mother (dear lady that she is) intended for me to be engaged to my girlfriend in the next year.
Now, engagements (just my assumption) mainly involve the couple that is... Getting engaged. This means that the engagement's main stars are the couple themselves, and the calefare (not the best of words to use) are the people around them.
This wasn't so for my case.
My mother discussed with her sister in law; briefly informed my girlfriend; took my girlfriend's brother to a corner and discussed with him about the engagement...
But never told me a single word about this.
Yes, engagements are meant to be a happy event, where boyfriends/girlfriends become fiancées or fiancés (I have no idea what fiancée means anyway, seems like a floral term to me).
Prior to my confrontation/questioning of my parents, I had an exhausting day already, involuntarily carrying 40kg worth of missiles on my back and running 600m, while you discussed my future with other people without talking to me about it.
I finally had to ask you quite nicely: "What's going on?", before I got a vague answer of "Me and Dad were planning to get you and Sally engaged".
Really, which sane person would have leaped and punched the air in joy instead of retorting "What the fuck? You're discussing my future with other people instead of with me?". Well I didn't punch the air in joy, but I did retort back "you're discussing this without telling me anything?". I asked a few more questions that I've forgotten about, and they didn't seem too happy with my reaction.
Well, the backlash of my questioning was...
My mother decided to cancel the idea of the engagement just 3 days after, and again without telling me anything.
Really. This engagement thing was like a Final Year Project.
I had to dig so hard for information to get the whole picture and understand it, just for me to work on it, present it, then get shot down by the teachers (in this case, my mother), and then get the whole project thrown away in a short span of time.
The heartbreaking moment came for me, when I had to apologize to my mother for asking her about what they were thinking about regarding this engagement. I just don't get it. I had to apologize to them because they decided to discuss with everyone except me, AND because I didn't put up a happy show for her.
I apologized, put on a sad puppy face, and took the lecturing with silence. Yes, I put up a show at the end just to please her. It pained me physically to do so but... I did what was necessary to maintain peace and stay out of trouble.
I can only hope that the peace is maintained, and that I don't have to go through this again.
Monetary Issues
The engagement issue woke up a nagging part of me.
"Save money Ben, you really need it for your future"
But the other nagging part that frequently came up was...
"Fuck Ben, you're already putting $50 aside per month, by the end of 1 year added in with your old savings, you'll have $2000 at least in your savings account, just spend the rest of your NS allowance to relax and De-stress"
Indeed, if I scrimp and save as much as I can now, I can throw a bigger, more bad-ass party for my wedding, and still have enough for a house. I need to keep this in mind more often. I need to get my own home fill it up with furniture and love, and still have some savings to maintain it.
I need to save.
Aye.
Maturity
My final issue finally isn't a physical problem, but more of a mental problem. I feel my maturity degenerating into that of a 15 year old's. All I'm focusing on now is fun, enjoying, pushing problems away and well, doing the wrong things.
I should instead, be focusing on getting a head-start in my education so I can start earning money the moment I can escape my bond to the army.
I should be researching more on what I should study next time; on what my future job requires me to know; on which estate would be the best to purchase a house...
Instead, all I'm doing is just living each day as it comes without planning for the future.
This has to stop.
But it's just the only time in my life where I can fully enjoy :(
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Missileness
Missile course. Unnecessary, annoying, disgusting, but yet occasionally interesting.
Sure, hardly anyone on the street will even have the chance to get near a live missile, but it's not something I want.
I want to learn something else; a type of study that allows me to protect peoples' lives and safeguard them while they don't even know that they're protected. That, that will be interesting. Not this. This is manual labour that I'm not even supposed to go through.
Ah well, as I type this, I have to go prepare to book in again all the way at Joo Koon. Damn it, I can't wait for ORD to come.
Sure, hardly anyone on the street will even have the chance to get near a live missile, but it's not something I want.
I want to learn something else; a type of study that allows me to protect peoples' lives and safeguard them while they don't even know that they're protected. That, that will be interesting. Not this. This is manual labour that I'm not even supposed to go through.
Ah well, as I type this, I have to go prepare to book in again all the way at Joo Koon. Damn it, I can't wait for ORD to come.
Sunday, 13 March 2011
It's high time since I updated this blog.
From February till this point of time, I've been a stay out personnel in driving course.
What does that mean? It means I enjoy the perks of eating out in restaurants and fast food as well as sleeping in my own bed, but I get yelled at like an abused kid during driving lessons.
All in all, I suffered emotionally and mentally, I've been insulted every single day, but the end result was that I'm a stronger person who can endure insults better, and I've got a Class 3M license :D
Also, I've registered my Basic Theory Test for Class 3 on the 28th of May so... That'll be my first step to getting a license.
Well now, my stay out period has ended, and it's time to go back into camp. What awaits me there? What horrors will I experience next? That question I'll only get an answer tomorrow.
Friday, 24 December 2010
Finally it's the start of block leave.
Significant events that's happened:
1) I fell over a fence whilst attempting to climb over it. Just a waist high fence, so I didn't break a knee, but I did lose some flesh.
2) Had to skip close combat classes due to my wound.
Life is smooth sailing and peaceful, which is good. I'm never going to complain that it's boring, because there's just so many things to do :D, regardless of how trivial they are!
Significant events that's happened:
1) I fell over a fence whilst attempting to climb over it. Just a waist high fence, so I didn't break a knee, but I did lose some flesh.
2) Had to skip close combat classes due to my wound.
Life is smooth sailing and peaceful, which is good. I'm never going to complain that it's boring, because there's just so many things to do :D, regardless of how trivial they are!
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Been a comfortable week, plenty of close combat training and plenty of rest in bunk, and it'll only continue on till the end of the year.
My main worry now is of course the live range, where I can only hope I remember the procedures and stop my hands from shivering.
Nothing much to say :D, just that this darn song has been going through my head for the whole week LOL
Have a great time! :D
My main worry now is of course the live range, where I can only hope I remember the procedures and stop my hands from shivering.
Nothing much to say :D, just that this darn song has been going through my head for the whole week LOL
Have a great time! :D
Saturday, 6 November 2010
I need this to end, I need this stupid course to end, it's not fun, it's not exciting, it's risking my life and health, and I could have spent time better somewhere else, with a textbook or anything filled with information that I can use.
But I can't escape, so all I can do is go with the flow.
I've done a few crazy things that I never, ever thought I'd do in my whole life.
1) Tower rappelling and rappelling off a tower.
2) Rappelling off a helicopter.
3) Standing under a helicopter attempting to stand still under the downwash.
4) Walk so far in such a short time with a heavy load (56 mins, 6 km, 20+kg)
Rappelling off the tower (walking and bouncing off) was a painful, and balls shrinking experience. I mean, looking down 5 stories, thinking that falling down means death...
That's what happened to me for all the jumps. Not that I panicked, but these guys just kept yelling at all of us. It did make us braver, but it also made us more annoyed.
Nothing much interesting going on in camp anyway, just lots of walking, running, exercising, moving to and fro.. Heh.
Well at least my bunkmates are all great men (along with one underaged fool of a buddy xD)
Nothing else to blog about, so I'll head on to update codememoar :D
But I can't escape, so all I can do is go with the flow.
I've done a few crazy things that I never, ever thought I'd do in my whole life.
1) Tower rappelling and rappelling off a tower.
2) Rappelling off a helicopter.
3) Standing under a helicopter attempting to stand still under the downwash.
4) Walk so far in such a short time with a heavy load (56 mins, 6 km, 20+kg)
Rappelling off the tower (walking and bouncing off) was a painful, and balls shrinking experience. I mean, looking down 5 stories, thinking that falling down means death...
That's what happened to me for all the jumps. Not that I panicked, but these guys just kept yelling at all of us. It did make us braver, but it also made us more annoyed.
Nothing much interesting going on in camp anyway, just lots of walking, running, exercising, moving to and fro.. Heh.
Well at least my bunkmates are all great men (along with one underaged fool of a buddy xD)
Nothing else to blog about, so I'll head on to update codememoar :D
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Now, one last final post before I head to sleep.
I have a few... Choices for my future that I wish to layout in my blog, so that I can review them next time when I have the time.
Path 1:
Get Silver/Gold, sign on as Military Police, aim for Early Degree Sponsorship, or CLASS Degree sponsorship. Serve bond, get bonus, continue and retire at 55.
Path 2:
Get Silver/Gold, sign on as Military Police, aim for Early Degree Sponsorship, or CLASS Degree sponsorship. Serve bond, get bonus, resign and sign on as a Senior Police Officer.
Path 3:
Get Silver/Gold, ORD, sign on as a Voluntary Special Constable while studying Degree, get experience as a Junior Police Officer, get Degree, sign on as a Senior Police Officer.
Path 4:
Get Silver/Gold, ORD, study Degree and various certificates, then apply to various commercial security firms.
There are more paths of course, but these are what I believe will be the more successful of paths.
I have a few... Choices for my future that I wish to layout in my blog, so that I can review them next time when I have the time.
Path 1:
Get Silver/Gold, sign on as Military Police, aim for Early Degree Sponsorship, or CLASS Degree sponsorship. Serve bond, get bonus, continue and retire at 55.
Path 2:
Get Silver/Gold, sign on as Military Police, aim for Early Degree Sponsorship, or CLASS Degree sponsorship. Serve bond, get bonus, resign and sign on as a Senior Police Officer.
Path 3:
Get Silver/Gold, ORD, sign on as a Voluntary Special Constable while studying Degree, get experience as a Junior Police Officer, get Degree, sign on as a Senior Police Officer.
Path 4:
Get Silver/Gold, ORD, study Degree and various certificates, then apply to various commercial security firms.
There are more paths of course, but these are what I believe will be the more successful of paths.
Now I was told by Kelvin before, that I just might not be meant for signing on, because God is making me fail my IPPT.
I counter his argument, by telling this story.
Back in my Secondary school days, I was a miserable failure. Depressed, bad at studies, rebellious.
My grades were F9 for almost everything except English and Science.
Now, my turning point was only at the beginning of Secondary 4. I prayed daily, focused as hard as I could during lessons, did my work, didn't play games at all, and just.. Worked hard for my goal, 18 points to enter the diploma course of Cyber & Digital Security.
Turns out, my O Level score was 18 points exactly, with an extra 2 points to take off due to my stint in NCC.
This, this is solid proof that God tests me. He places the bag of gold in front, and throws obstacles in every single step of the way. But with prayer and hard-work combined, each obstacle is obliterated.
I have to get into the momentum again of hard work and prayer (which is what I did during my BMT, I merely have to continue and put in more effort for my physical activities).
As it stands now, my most recent performance for my IPPT was...
12 mins for 2.4km run,
210cm for SBJ,
41 sit-ups,
2 pull-ups,
10.7 seconds for shuttle sprint.
I have to maintain and of course, improve to a Silver, hopefully by Chinese New Year next year.
I counter his argument, by telling this story.
Back in my Secondary school days, I was a miserable failure. Depressed, bad at studies, rebellious.
My grades were F9 for almost everything except English and Science.
Now, my turning point was only at the beginning of Secondary 4. I prayed daily, focused as hard as I could during lessons, did my work, didn't play games at all, and just.. Worked hard for my goal, 18 points to enter the diploma course of Cyber & Digital Security.
Turns out, my O Level score was 18 points exactly, with an extra 2 points to take off due to my stint in NCC.
This, this is solid proof that God tests me. He places the bag of gold in front, and throws obstacles in every single step of the way. But with prayer and hard-work combined, each obstacle is obliterated.
I have to get into the momentum again of hard work and prayer (which is what I did during my BMT, I merely have to continue and put in more effort for my physical activities).
As it stands now, my most recent performance for my IPPT was...
12 mins for 2.4km run,
210cm for SBJ,
41 sit-ups,
2 pull-ups,
10.7 seconds for shuttle sprint.
I have to maintain and of course, improve to a Silver, hopefully by Chinese New Year next year.
Saturday, 9 October 2010
Well it's the end of my 1 week break after my PoP!
It was a tough and grueling route march.... Not really. It wasn't mentally or physically tiring; more pain than anything.
See, when you walk for too long, your feet starts having these sharp stabbing pains that just won't go away until 2-3 days later. This is what afflicted me during my route march. Believe me, it was a mental strain to push myself forward not because I was exhausted, but because of the pain in my feet.
I participated in the parade, which was glorious. Imagine 3000 recruits; smelly, tired out recruits, all standing still, with the backdrop of the Singapore offices. Glorious for me at least.
And now, my posting is to be a Light Strike Trooper, which means I'll be driving a Light Strike Vehicle, under the Guards unit.
Taken from http://dancruz.blogspot.com/2007/06/light-strike-vehicle-lsv.html
I can only hope I don't crash into buildings or anything. I have also heard that I have to partake in the Guards Conversion Course, in which I will be tortured physically and mentally. It will not be pleasant at all, and I will blog as much as possible about it if I'm selected for the course.
Well my feelings for booking in again are this:
1) Scared
2) Miss home
3) Miss Pompipi
But I know this will toughen me up. A lot. It will probably be my stepping stone to getting Silver for my IPPT, and from there, my future will begin...
It was a tough and grueling route march.... Not really. It wasn't mentally or physically tiring; more pain than anything.
See, when you walk for too long, your feet starts having these sharp stabbing pains that just won't go away until 2-3 days later. This is what afflicted me during my route march. Believe me, it was a mental strain to push myself forward not because I was exhausted, but because of the pain in my feet.
I participated in the parade, which was glorious. Imagine 3000 recruits; smelly, tired out recruits, all standing still, with the backdrop of the Singapore offices. Glorious for me at least.
And now, my posting is to be a Light Strike Trooper, which means I'll be driving a Light Strike Vehicle, under the Guards unit.
Taken from http://dancruz.blogspot.com/2007/06/light-strike-vehicle-lsv.html
I can only hope I don't crash into buildings or anything. I have also heard that I have to partake in the Guards Conversion Course, in which I will be tortured physically and mentally. It will not be pleasant at all, and I will blog as much as possible about it if I'm selected for the course.
Well my feelings for booking in again are this:
1) Scared
2) Miss home
3) Miss Pompipi
But I know this will toughen me up. A lot. It will probably be my stepping stone to getting Silver for my IPPT, and from there, my future will begin...
Sunday, 26 September 2010
1 more week to PoP!
It's been a long, tough time.
I've seen assholes (no not the body part), I've seen great people, I've seen future "sign-on" personnel... I've seen lots of things.
It's been a great, really fun, exhausting and exhilarating experience; one that I will never forget, and one that I will keep in my heart for the rest of my life.
It's made me value my friends and family even more.
It's made me value how amazing the food from coffee shops taste like.
I cannot wait to pass out from Tekong, it's been too long xD
It's been a long, tough time.
I've seen assholes (no not the body part), I've seen great people, I've seen future "sign-on" personnel... I've seen lots of things.
It's been a great, really fun, exhausting and exhilarating experience; one that I will never forget, and one that I will keep in my heart for the rest of my life.
It's made me value my friends and family even more.
It's made me value how amazing the food from coffee shops taste like.
I cannot wait to pass out from Tekong, it's been too long xD
Sunday, 29 August 2010
Field Camp
Back from field camp exhausted, scarred, pimples and rashes all over, but it's over at least :D
Day 1:
8KM route march all the way under the burning sun. It was hard as hell, and I almost fell out at the end but I stumbled my way through. Once we reached our end point, we sat down and threw everything off.
We were then told we had to move to another location 2KM away.
What. The. Hell.
We shouldered our burdens again (field pack full to the brim about 25kg along with 5kg rifle) and stumbled off to the new camp site.
We reached, threw our stuff down, then pitched our Basha tents. We then sat down to try rations for the first time ever. I clearly remember my first ration was Water Chestnut and Chicken Dumpling. Fucking, fucking disgusting piece of shit ever.
We then attended lessons on jungle warfare, practiced what we learnt and finally got to rest in our tents. I had fever by the end of the lessons.
Day 2:
We were woken up by the Sergeants, called out and punished for being late, then made to go for a run. Of course, the sergeants being stupid as they are, decided to run on a tiny track full of sudden slopes, holes in the ground, stones, rocks, jutting rocks and of course, people were injured.
We were then sent for breakfast consisting of biscuits and water, before being sent off for more punishments, lessons on jungle warfare and revision.
After that, it was time to dig the dreaded shell scrape. I kept getting giddy and weak spells due to fever, but I persevered (I still couldn't finish digging in a few hours though). At night, everyone except a few people went for a night walk, but I fell out due to fever. We then headed back to our tents to sleep.
I still had fever.
Day 3:
I was doing my sentry duty at night, and my shift was ending, when close to 10 commanders suddenly appeared and walked towards us. We exchanged passwords, and I turned away, since commanders were the "good guys". Turns out I was wrong.
Within 2 minutes, the commanders spread out in a line, took cover, then started throwing Thunderflash (think of weaker versions of Flashbangs from CounterStrike) and fire blank rounds at us. We were then yelled at, scolded, insulted, punished, made to do ridiculous stuff, but I fell out due to fever, and because it was just pointless to continue getting punished for no reason.
We then had breakfast, suited up and prepared for our test. Overall my team and I did slightly below average but we did scrape through.
I then finished my shell scrape with the help of my bunkmates, and we then proceeded to sleep in it. Believe me, shell scrapes stink of shit, and this was my second night in it. It sucked.
I still had fever.
Day 4:
Woke up, got into "stand to" position, which is basically a pointless "point your gun forward and wait till light from the sun comes out" position.
Ate breakfast, dismantled the basha tent, packed our bags, threw it on the tonner, filled up the shell scrape hole then off we went on another 8km route march.
We reached the point after a hell of a long time, then people started fainting because the sergeants were dragging the lunch time, and punishing us under the heat.
We then pitched our tents again, rested, then off we went for lessons on urban fighting.
We practiced, then back to camp for rest.
The officers then told us that we'll be called out at night, get mock punishments then we'd spring a surprise on the highest officer in our camp (because it was his birthday).
At like 10pm, we were called out, yelled at in push up position till the highest officer camp. We stood up then sang the birthday song for him, while one of the sergeants dumped a bucket of water on him LOL! After the officer's speech, we all went back to sleep.
I still had fever.
Day 5:
We woke up, got briefed on our events to come, and ate breakfast, then off we went for our events.
First up was paintball. We were given 10 shots, and 2 minutes to fire and capture 3 flags. Retarded and waste of time.
Next up was urban fighting test, which was very fun and exciting xD. Mainly because you don't know where and what will be behind the next corner!
We finally packed whatever we did, sat down and wasted time, then went back to company line to clean our rifles till 1am zz
Best part of the day was chit chatting with my bunkmates and officer after a good shower, with good food in our hands till like 2.30am heh.. Good times.
And that's my story :D
Day 1:
8KM route march all the way under the burning sun. It was hard as hell, and I almost fell out at the end but I stumbled my way through. Once we reached our end point, we sat down and threw everything off.
We were then told we had to move to another location 2KM away.
What. The. Hell.
We shouldered our burdens again (field pack full to the brim about 25kg along with 5kg rifle) and stumbled off to the new camp site.
We reached, threw our stuff down, then pitched our Basha tents. We then sat down to try rations for the first time ever. I clearly remember my first ration was Water Chestnut and Chicken Dumpling. Fucking, fucking disgusting piece of shit ever.
We then attended lessons on jungle warfare, practiced what we learnt and finally got to rest in our tents. I had fever by the end of the lessons.
Day 2:
We were woken up by the Sergeants, called out and punished for being late, then made to go for a run. Of course, the sergeants being stupid as they are, decided to run on a tiny track full of sudden slopes, holes in the ground, stones, rocks, jutting rocks and of course, people were injured.
We were then sent for breakfast consisting of biscuits and water, before being sent off for more punishments, lessons on jungle warfare and revision.
After that, it was time to dig the dreaded shell scrape. I kept getting giddy and weak spells due to fever, but I persevered (I still couldn't finish digging in a few hours though). At night, everyone except a few people went for a night walk, but I fell out due to fever. We then headed back to our tents to sleep.
I still had fever.
Day 3:
I was doing my sentry duty at night, and my shift was ending, when close to 10 commanders suddenly appeared and walked towards us. We exchanged passwords, and I turned away, since commanders were the "good guys". Turns out I was wrong.
Within 2 minutes, the commanders spread out in a line, took cover, then started throwing Thunderflash (think of weaker versions of Flashbangs from CounterStrike) and fire blank rounds at us. We were then yelled at, scolded, insulted, punished, made to do ridiculous stuff, but I fell out due to fever, and because it was just pointless to continue getting punished for no reason.
We then had breakfast, suited up and prepared for our test. Overall my team and I did slightly below average but we did scrape through.
I then finished my shell scrape with the help of my bunkmates, and we then proceeded to sleep in it. Believe me, shell scrapes stink of shit, and this was my second night in it. It sucked.
I still had fever.
Day 4:
Woke up, got into "stand to" position, which is basically a pointless "point your gun forward and wait till light from the sun comes out" position.
Ate breakfast, dismantled the basha tent, packed our bags, threw it on the tonner, filled up the shell scrape hole then off we went on another 8km route march.
We reached the point after a hell of a long time, then people started fainting because the sergeants were dragging the lunch time, and punishing us under the heat.
We then pitched our tents again, rested, then off we went for lessons on urban fighting.
We practiced, then back to camp for rest.
The officers then told us that we'll be called out at night, get mock punishments then we'd spring a surprise on the highest officer in our camp (because it was his birthday).
At like 10pm, we were called out, yelled at in push up position till the highest officer camp. We stood up then sang the birthday song for him, while one of the sergeants dumped a bucket of water on him LOL! After the officer's speech, we all went back to sleep.
I still had fever.
Day 5:
We woke up, got briefed on our events to come, and ate breakfast, then off we went for our events.
First up was paintball. We were given 10 shots, and 2 minutes to fire and capture 3 flags. Retarded and waste of time.
Next up was urban fighting test, which was very fun and exciting xD. Mainly because you don't know where and what will be behind the next corner!
We finally packed whatever we did, sat down and wasted time, then went back to company line to clean our rifles till 1am zz
Best part of the day was chit chatting with my bunkmates and officer after a good shower, with good food in our hands till like 2.30am heh.. Good times.
And that's my story :D
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